Joe Martin: We interrupt current programming to bring you this breaking news. Assistant District Attorney Mark Blackfern has called a press conference on the steps of the Main Street Courthouse to discuss today’s horrific tragedy. He’s just stepped up to the podium.
Blackfern: My fellow citizens, it is with great sorrow that I stand here before you in these dire times. Many times these words have been spoken, but never have they been so truly felt. Today Seattle is under attack. We are not attacked by foreign armies or wild spirits. Nor are we attacked by terrorists or gangs. No, my friends. We are assaulted by nothing more than common street thugs, petty criminals who refuse to follow the law and resolve their grievances in legitimate fashion. Today, six of my closest friends and colleagues were brutally murdered, including my dear boss, District Attorney David Beatty, and his dear, sweet wife.
This criminals, these shadowrunners, gunned them down in cold blood while the Beattys, defenseless and unprotected, prepared themselves for bed. Then, to make matters worse, the Beatty household was looted in an attempt to make the murders appear like a robbery gone wrong. Likewise, ADA Oaks, ADA Bates, ADA Sinclair, ADA Schultz, ADA Nguyen, paralegal Wurtz, and members of their families were brutally murdered in their homes. Is this what Seattle has become? Home to lawless, reckless criminals who show no mercy to those they victimize? These criminals have no shame.Not only do they violate the law, but they defile those who dare to hold up a higher standard, those of us who brighten the shadows of this city with the bright light of justice. Well, no more, I say. No longer will we allow this scum to taint the streets of Seattle, trying to overtake the legitimate government with their underhanded tactics. They shall not force their way into legitimacy by corrupting our political processes with their illegal legislation. They shall not come into our homes, steal the bread off our tables, murder our children and spouses. They shall not threaten us into submission with murderous sprees meant to invoke fear. For though they try to make us cower under our beds, to make us label them terrorists, we will not give them that power. These murders are nothing more than petty criminals who seek martyrdom for a cause that was doomed from the day it first reached the ballot.
I vow, in my capacity as Seattle’s new District Attorney, that I will defend the citizens of this fair city from the unscrupulous criminal element. Join me, my fellow citizens, in standing up to these villains and their illiterate sympathizers. Join me in a brighter future for Seattle. Together we can put the criminal element back where it belongs! Underground.
One final note. My sympathy goes out to the families of the deceased. I assure you I am doing everything in my power to bring these murderers to justice.
Martin: Mr. Blackfern, can you tell our audience …
Blackfern: No questions please.